"Kidnapped by Aliens" and other erroneous ways to describe the challenge of raising teenage children.

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There is a common misconception that parenting a teenager is a wholly negative experience. To be sure, it is complicated - the journey from childhood dependance to young adult independence is by no means easy. Throw in hormone and relational ups and downs, and one certainly has a heady brew to deal with. 'Entering the tunnel' is one description of this journey, 'they will come out eventually' it goes on. 

 

And don't we 'normal' parents secretly envy those parents whose teenage children are (over) dedicated to their studies and thriving in 'success'. We use them as a benchmark to calibrate our own perceived 'failures'!

 

To consider such a beautiful journey - that from childhood to maturity (which, as I will discuss later, is different to 'mere' adulthood) - as a 'going away', or 'entering a tunnel' robs us as parents of one of our most significant parenting acts. For in a young child our key role is one of nurturing growth and providing an environment of unconditional love. In a teenager, our key parenting role is nurturing the growth of character and a sense of self. To be clear, it is the growth of their own character. It may be completely different to ours, and it may take some time to mature - our role is to walk alongside this character in-formation, not to leave them to enter a dark tunnel alone. 

 

Unconditional love is not the same as unconditional acceptance. Clear, fair boundaries and natural and logical consequences give teenagers freedom in which to thrive. The chaos that comes of being their 'best friend' and vicariously encouraging adult vices leads to confusion and conflict. Anyway, it is the nature of a teenager to explore their boundaries - the looser you make them the further they will push them out. 

 

And as much as it is perfectly natural for teenage children to test their boundaries- natural and developmentally normal behaviour that occasionally results in 'acting out', we must also remain alert to missing out on what Prof Tony Humphreys in his book 'Understanding Teenagers - Sometimes Wild, Always Wise' (https://www.tonyhumphreys.ie/books) would refer to as 'acting in' - "those adolescents who are over-dedicated to their studies, who thrive on success, who dread failure, and who miss out on the vital emotional and social aspects of adolescent development are actually more at risk that their “acting-out” peers. However, because the “acting-in” behaviours of conformity and addiction to success and recognition through work and achievements do not pose any threats to the worlds of parents and teachers, these signs of inner turmoil are often flown in vain".

 

So, in short, there is no easy road - whether they are acting out or acting in, our teenage children are working through physical and emotional changes that take time to navigate. We need to give them space to be themselves, keep them accountable, try our best not to live vicariously through them, not 'give up' and act as some sort of mutant teenager 'bestie' ourselves, keep the channels of communication open (clear and direct), develop and encourage trust, stoically accept failure, and love them unconditionally, meeting our children where they are - as Tony Humphreys would say, 'an act of comparison is an act of rejection'. Every behaviour is an important form of communication and we should not mirror our own insecurities in a defensive response

 

On top of all of that, we need to recognise that physical maturity (which may be reached early on in this journey) is not the same as that maturity of spirit that is characterised by natural curiosity, appropriate self-esteem, acceptance of self, acceptance of others, tolerance of criticism, competitiveness with self (not others), acknowledgement of strengths (and weaknesses), enjoyment of effort, positive receptivity to reasonable demands, and a love of challenge.

 

We cannot help our child develop these things if we set our teenage children 'free' or allow them to roam alone in a 'tunnel' - that is an abdication of our parenting responsibilities to the gods (or devils) of TikTok  and the majoritarian opinions of peer group and incidental influencers. 

 

 

 

 

 

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