Helicopter parents, and other well-intentioned things that damage our children.

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Parenting is - even at its least complicated - a really tough job. And while we celebrate the unique individuality of each child,  that very uniqueness does mean that there is no guide book for parenting - what works for one can be disastrous for another (even when the apparent circumstances seem identical).  

 

In addition to there being no ‘one-size-fits-all’ set of rules for parenting, we each take into our parenting roles all sorts of learned behaviours that are informed by our own childhood experiences, traumas, and psychologies. On top of that still is the fact that our parenting is only one voice in a situational chorus of influences from peers, society at large, and social media. Many of these voices are more influential and exciting than the humdrum parenting voice – they inform the exciting while our voice informs the necessary. 

 

There are all sorts of traps that well-intentioned parents can fall into – living vicariously through our children, conditionality, and affluent neglect are all serious topics worthy of discussion,  but, for me, there is one trap that well-intentioned parents fall into that is not only hard to see (and consequently, explain) but also has profound, yet unseen impact in terms of individual flourishing in children. For lack of a better description, I’ll (imperfectly) call it 'helicopter parent induced inter-generational decline'.

 

Consider a parent,  born into a family of modest means. This parent had to  ‘make-do’ growing up, and had to struggle to 'keep up with the Joneses' (or just function within the prescripts of a peer group). University access was never a given,  and it was even less certain that there would be money to pay for it. By obtaining bursaries, student loans, and working hard, this parent has finally made it into a pretty decent job – possibly the first in the family to do so. 

 

This parent is now affluent, worldly wise, with roots in the humble space where the journey  started but now living an upmarket, comfortable life. Often, this person can look back on the hardship that they have endured to reach this point and make sure that their child is protected from all of that hardship. Like a climber, who having battled their way to the top of a very tall tree, enduring scrapes, cuts, and all manner of contortions in the process, extends a ladder to make the climb more comfortable for their child following behind. 

 

Well intentioned indeed, but in doing so they eliminate risk, catastrophize pain, diminish perseverance, and hamper the development of grit. All of the things that got them up the tree in the first place, they protect their children from.  

Encouraging children to take calculated risk develops confidence, teaches children to assess situations, make informed decisions, and learn from success and failure. Exposing children to manageable levels of risk in terms of supervised outdoor play or adventurous activity develops a sense of judgement, self-awareness, and appropriate caution. Perseverance cultivates a growth mindset – an awareness that setbacks and obstacles are part of the learning process. And grit is a key factor in leading a fulfilling and successful life. By protecting children from risk and challenge, we inadvertently create lazy entitlement. 

While winning usually is associated with success, sometimes there is even more success to be found in losing. Because in losing we learn important lessons, we learn about persistence, we learn to keep on trying and trying, and through losing we adopt the winning attitudes that creates future success. Not succeeding makes us hungry, and hunger is a great motivator. 

The challenge for parents is to find the balance – to not do all the heavy lifting for their children - to allow them to climb to the top of the tree by themselves, and to not panic when the occasional bump and scrape happens (physical as well as emotional). And always to be that invisible “known” unconditional support that gives them the confidence of knowing that they are loved no matter what happens - to always be there to pick them up with kindness and good humour should they fall. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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